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May 13, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) There are really only two ways that a tampon can end up on the sidewalk. One is that some dirty pig decided she needed to change her tampon right now and she did it in her car and flung it out the window. The other is that the Gay men that just moved into the neighborhood wanted to sabotage the "dirty dykes" that live next door so that they would have to move away in shame. Then they would be able to have their Gay male friends move into the neighborhood instead of the Dykes. |
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May 9, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) It's been a long time since Crayola packed a Burnt Umber crayon inside one of their boxes. In fact, it's been so long that some people have gotten quite nostalgic about this beautiful shade of crayon and have decided to do something about it personally. One thoughtful New Jersey mom decided to take herself beyond a nice pleasing bronze color and go all the way to burnt umber without passing "go". She liked it so much that she also decided to take her red-headed 5-year old daughter with her. Model mom award of 2012 goes to.... |
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May 6, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) On a scale of painful things, first there are menstrual cramps. Cramps can cause a great deal of discomfort all the way to outright screaming pain. Then there's childbirth. Natural childbirth can really hurt....a lot. Then there's the kind of pain that a scale hasn't been developed for yet. Childbirth through a penis really f*cking hurts. |
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April 25, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) Heading up to the lake for a vacation can be a very rejuvenating experience. Lots of fresh air, beautiful wooded forests and the opportunity to become one with nature. That's all fine and well until you realize the woods are jam-packed with coyotes, bears and other vermin set to carry off your pets for lunch. Next time it might be more relaxing to just stay in the city with the muggers, the dope fiends and the crazed lunatics. |
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April 22, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) As it turns out...the extremist right-wing was correct after all. First we allow Gay marriage, which then lead to all other kinds of abhorrent and deviant behavior. Now the Lesbians are obsessed with dogs' buttholes. They follow dogs around and stare at their butts, they study how enlarged the sphincter is at any given time, and even how often the dog takes a crap. Clearly, they've taken this way too far and now the situation is completely out of control. |
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April 12, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) For the straight ladies...you can keep the baseball hats with the ponytail through the back, you can keep the comfy boxer shorts to kick around in and look sexy, and you can keep pretending to enjoy kissing Lesbians. For the straight men...you can keep the goatees, you can keep the Doc Marten's, and you can keep shaving your nutsack. When it comes to the rainbows, however...that's when we have to put our foot down. Just pick a freaking color. You can't have them all. |
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April 9, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) Getting a piece of dessert really shouldn't be so hard to do. If you have to run a marathon, knock people over and hunt it down like prey in a forest, you really are burning too many calories just to eat a piece of cake. After all, dessert really should put on more pounds than you take off trying to enjoy it. |
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April 4, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) It used to be that we lived in a nice quiet neighborhood, but now I realize that we actually live in a barnyard. The hens in the neighborhood walk around all day cackling and gossiping about everyone else's business in the neighborhood. Then there's the Lesbian pigs that live in the corner house where all the grass is dead and they think that dog poop makes good fertilizer to leave all over the lawn. Moo. |
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April 1, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) A message to Gill and Jane: I am extending a heartfelt apology for the evening you spent with Roxanne. I apologize for her unbridled vulgarity, her lack of compassion for other human beings, her outright sense of entitlement, and for embarrassing the United States of America and confirming every ugly American stereotype in existence. We sincerely hope that this doesn't affect the relationship between the United States and the wonderful and warm country of the UK. |
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March 25, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) Sometimes you just have to do whatever it takes to to get something you really want. Once you've set you sights on the goal, you just have to go for it. It doesn't matter if you have to pretend to like Axe Body Spray, you have to give not one, but two men boners, and you have to speak four languages. It's all worth it if you achieve your dream in the end. |
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March 21, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) It's a well know fact that Lesbians have to change out the carpeting in their homes twice as frequently as Gay men. All that carpet munching really takes a toll on things. The only thing that's changed is that the Lesbians just don't buy their carpeting at Home Depot anymore. Time to sell your stock. |
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March 18, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) Lez by honest...our pets bring an enormous amount of joy and happiness to our lives every day. We wouldn't be the people we are today without them. They not only enrich our lives, but they also enrich our vocabulary. Tonight for dinner we're having a big bowl of Bordatella with a side of Rabies. For dessert it's two scoops of Parvo with a Giardia sauce drizzled on top. |
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March 14, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) Lesbian fishing attire: Baseball hat - check. Thermal base layer under your matching t-shirt - check. Hooded sweatshirt to layer on top - check. Sporty, wraparound sunglasses - check. Stylish waterproof boots - check. Faded pair of comfortable blue jeans - check. Fishing pole with a pink wrapped grip and a matching pink reel - nope. That belongs to the straight chick on the boat. |
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March 11, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) Being a cougar is all fun and games until one day you wake up and realize that the 20 year difference between you and your partner is not so cute anymore now that you're 40. She definitely looked hot when you were 25 and she was 45. Now that you're 45 you finally wake up one day and are horrified to think....how did grandma all of a sudden get into bed with you? |
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