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May 19, 2013 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) It might be worth it to go to a restaurant you're not terribly fond of to each cubed meats and vegetables if you were able to grill your wife's friend about her sex life when she was married to a Gay man. Hell, it might even be worth paying for the whole dinner. Suddenly, iceberg lettuce with strange orange salad dressing got a whole lot more interesting. |
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May 14, 2013 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) If you want to take your baby to Hooters to celebrate Mother's Day just because they have $10 off Mom's meal when you bring your children...that's on you. It's probably safe to say that the church ladies in the mall parking lot with Grandma, the Mom and the 4 month old baby probably don't care that they can save $10 when the scantily clad girls in underwear and tank tops serve them sliders with blue cheese. You'll probably get what you deserve for that transgression anyway. |
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May 7, 2013 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) It's important to be a good role model for our kids and to help our community. When someone needs a helping hand, it's an opportunity to set a good example by doing whatever you can to reach out and help. It's in that spirit that we're gathering friends and family together to help us send 100 cases of Clorox Urine Cleaner to Connecticut to help clean up the hundreds of jugs of urine that the State doesn't know what to do with. |
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April 28, 2013 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) There's nothing like some comfort food to make you feel all warm and happy inside. Fresh out of the oven chocolate cookies, a steaming plate of homemade macaroni and cheese or a piping hot chicken pot pie. It seems almost impossible to screw that up, unless you decided to use the generic, dented can of vegetables with botulism oozing out, topped it off with a cup of black pepper, and then served it all wrapped up in a frozen Pillsbury croissant the size of a football. Delicious. |
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April 24, 2013 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) Everyone has price. So what if you have to walk around on a disabled cruise ship for a week with feces up to your ankles and no chance of getting soft-serve ice cream 'round the clock for the entire week. Throw in a good, heavy period with no tampons or pads, so that you have to walk around wearing a red bag like a diaper all week. Give me two or three free cruises plus $500 and we'll call it even. But...I am going to need a balcony upgrade. |
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April 21, 2013 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) When living without sleep becomes a way of life you get used to. When you can get up 5 times in the middle of the night and learn how to go right back to sleep. When you can run the gauntlet of children's toys in the middle of the living room without twisting an ankle. And, when you can start to imagine your wife as the hot au pair sleeping next to you in the bed at night...that's when you realize it's official. The tiny little baby you brought home 7 months ago is now officially your legally adopted son. Life is good. |
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March 6, 2013 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) A Super Wife is not your ordinary wife. This is one that still takes you out for a romantic Valentine's Day affair, even after 14 years. She's the one that takes you to that special restaurant at the strip mall where you play a sexy game of "spot the Dyke"...just like when you first met. Next time, Ladies, don't make it so easy by putting a "Yes I Am" license plate frame on your car. |
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February 13, 2013 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) Four more states that now allow Gay marriage, the first out Lesbian Senator, a President of the United States acknowledges Gay history for the very first time, and we have two challenges headed to the Supreme Court regarding DOMA and Gay marriage. A couple of months in, and 2013 is already a great year. Of course, Ethan won't be happy until his moms can be legally married in every state in the US...and he is going to let everyone know that he is not happy until that happens. |
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Febraury 10, 2013 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) Groupon is great for a lot of things. You can get great discounts on a dinner for two, a relaxing massage or a fishing trip with friends. What you never want to buy on Groupon is the offer to buy one plastic surgery and get one free...unless you want to have two soup bowls implanted in your butt cheeks. Sexy. |
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January 31, 2013 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) If you walked up to a straight woman with a baby before you had a baby of your own, you would just be seen as a creepy Dyke trying to hit on a straight woman. Once you have a baby of your own, however, all the tables turn. Now you're a thoughtful mother who is interested in swapping baby secrets with someone else from the in-crowd...even if you spend the entire time staring at her cleavage. |
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January 27, 2013 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) These days it's just too dangerous to play the lottery and win. Friends and family drain your bank account, a new girlfriend moves in and suddenly you end up missing, or they find your dead body in a lake a few days after you collect your big check. It's much easier to get ripped off and lose all your money the old fashioned way. Let the tweaker move in, let her slowly drain all your bank accounts and max out your credit cards until you don't have anything left. Once she's done she simply moves on to the whore she's been already been sleeping on the side. At least she's not slipping cyanide in your drink. |
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January 23, 2013 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) The best way to further the acceptance of Gay people in society is simply to be yourself and show people that you're a regular human being just like they are. The more people that know Gay people, the more people will realize being Gay is perfectly normal. Or, you can use the Roxanne method - next time you're in a group of straight people, make sure you put up your guard, decide that they are nasty, uptight human beings before you know anything about them, and then imitate their voice and make fun of their children that you don't even know. That's sure to further the cause of Gay people all over the world. |
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January 20, 2013 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) Any good parent wants to make sure that their kid has a positive childhood filled with lots of interesting experiences that they'll remember for the rest of their life. You want to enrich them with educational outings and fun-filled family trips. As you're thinking about where you might go and what you might do with your child, for most parents that might not include a visit to a Hookah bar or teaching them how to light things on fire so that you have a 20-foot bonfire. |
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January 16, 2013 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) Straight people have ruined Sesame Street for everyone. Our son's best friend used to be Elmo, but now we have to find him another favorite toy because Elmo turned out to be a pedophile. Cookie Monster promotes childhood obesity, so that's out. Oscar the Grouch is rude and promotes bad manners. Big Bird may actually be the saving grace of Sesame Street, however. If Mit Romney hates Big Bird, then BB is my friend! |
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December 2, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) Somehow the quality of the cleaning job no longer seems to matter once the topless maid service comes over to do a cleaning. You no longer care about the fact that the cobwebs are still hanging from the ceiling, the toilet doesn't look like it's been cleaned in months and the kitchen floor looks like it's been scrubbed with a napkin. Then you realize that they sent over the topless grandma with her pancake tits down to her knees. Now you'll pay extra just so that she doesn't clean topless. |
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November 25, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) Gone are the days when you'd meet someone at a bar, have a few beers and take them home. Now the dating world mostly happens online through dating web sites. That seems like a good way to meet someone until you realize that they're missing a very important check box for the Lesbian profile -- "will U-Haul on the second date". Check. |
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November 14, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) It's important for businesses to market their products directly to the target audience to help increase sales and to become profitable. Take the Wet Lube company for example, they donate free trash cans at Pride events all over the country and also hand out free samples. Now that we have Viagra, however, Wet may be missing a key market segment. It's time to start putting the Wet trash cans at senior retirement communities all over the country now that old people are having sex again. Wear a condom. |
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November 11, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) Congratulations to all the states that have now legalized Gay Marriage. As you bask in the euphoria of this incredible decision it's imperative that we reiterate our warning to all the young Gay couples...especially the overzealous Lesbians. Just because you are allowed to marry, doesn't mean you have to. I know you met her last week and she's the love of your life. Before you say "I do", make sure you've lived through a minimum of twelve menstrual cycles with her...and that's only before you move in together. |
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November 4, 2012
(Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) Halloween is the best holiday ever. On what other day can you walk an attractive cop into your house, wearing a smokin' hot, sexy uniform with a super-short skirt, in front of your wife and into your office, where you have a pull-out futon matress...and nobody even thinks twice about it? Anyway...here's the get laid apple pie recipe. |
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October 31, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) The truth is finally out about global warming. After all the talk about what's causing global warming, we realize it's not really about car emissions, cutting down the rain forest, or the fact that you refuse to recycle your plastic bottles. The real cause of global warming is all the lazy new Lesbian moms and Gay dads stuffing disposable diapers into landfills all across the country because they don't feel like cleaning out dozens of cloth diapers filled with smelly feces and urine every day. |
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October 28, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) Now that the Lesbians have adopted the cute baby that you don't have to lie about and say, "what soft skin your baby has", or "he has such a pretty eye"...the straight couples are now going to have to choose from the ugly babies that are left. The good news is that the baby with the beer belly and the buck teeth is still available for adoption. |
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October 14, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) So many questions, so little time. But, if there was just one question that absolutely had to be answered, it's this one. If one of the conjoined twins is straight and the other one is Gay, who gets to use the genitals when they're out on a double date? This is not about being politically correct. These are real problems that real people have. |
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September 30, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) We have a new addition to the pack. It's not a gerbil, it's not a puppy, it's not a cat and it's not a baby chimpanzee. The new pack member comes with lots of cool new things to buy, magazines to subscribe to and endless fun for the relatives that can simply walk away when dirty diapers need changing. We may not be sleeping, but we couldn't be happier. |
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September 9, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) All straight men should be required to get a back wax at least once in their life. It's not because they need it and it's not necessarily because back hair is gross. It's more for the amusement of Lesbians and their friends. We're just freaky that way...and we like to watch. |
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September 6, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) Which Lesbian has street smarts? When the zombie dripping with blood comes up to your tent on the beach and tries to get in to eat your brains, is it the Lesbian that tells the zombie to beat it and then goes rights back to sleep? Or, is it the Lesbian that decides she has a 50-50 chance if she jumps out of the tent, runs down the beach and leaves her friend to fend for herself? After all, the zombie can only eat one person at a time. |
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September 3, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) Neighborhood watch doesn't mean that you get together with a few neighbors for a few beers every night and check out all the cute girls and guys in the neighborhood. It also doesn't mean that you stay in the house and peek through the blinds when you hear something strange going on outside. What it does mean is that once trouble starts, you go get the Postal Service Lesbian down the street that can hold her little dog in one hand and kick the crap out of any perp that comes into the neighborhood with the other. |
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August 25, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) It's hard to believe how far technology has advanced, especially in the last few years. Despite all that forward movement, there is still one thing you can count on to stay exactly the same. If you need to mail something at the post office, you may as well hop in your car and drive across town to deliver it yourself. If the package has to go across the country, you may as well just hop on a plane and take it with you. The cost of the parking ticket, the time you'll spend waiting in line, and the years it takes off your life from the aggravation are all lower prices to pay than having to actually go into a post office to do your business. Not to mention that your hair is not getting any less gray. |
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August 22, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) Roxanne is going straight to hell. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Virginia is going with her as an accomplice. There really isn't anything more to say. At least we now know that hell is located in Van Nuys, California. They might have a cafeteria, or they might have a buffet. Nobody is really sure. |
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August 19, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) We may still be pissed that Womens' Softball is no longer part of the Olympics and that some American dykes were forced to wear a skirt in the Opening Ceremonies, but at least most countries kept to the tradition of wearing skimpy bikinis for Beach Volleyball. Having Brazil host the next summer Olympics is not too bad either. Start stocking up on the razors and Nair now. |
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August 12, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) Everyone likes to have good neighbors that they can rely on when you need a little help. Someone to borrow a cup of sugar from, someone to help cut down tree branches, or just someone to chit chat with while you're out walking the dog in the neighborhood. But, when being a good neighbor means stroking your dog's dick...in some cultures that may be considered crossing a line. |
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August 1, 2012 (Click to listen live, or right-click and "save target as..." to download mp3) It's always nice to have visitors come over and stay for a while...until they start camping out at your house, eating all your food, bugging you to drive them everywhere and practically start moving in. It's times like these that you start to yearn for the good 'ol days when visitors came to you in the middle of the night, they gave you a quick anal probe and then hopped back on their ship in a beam of light never to be seen or heard from again. |
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