May 29, 2009

250 Agreeably Disagreeable

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No matter how hard we try to maintain a separation of church and state in this country, we will never be able to keep prayer out of our schools, public or private. On the day of the big exam students all over the school are reaching out and praying to any deity that will help them pass the test, even if they haven't opened a book all year.


May 26, 2009

249 Apology Accepted

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Almost everyone has had a crazy ex, but not everyone has one that crosses the line into psycho ex. It's hard to figure out exactly where that line is, but comes somewhere after the point where they change their last name to yours after you break up, they start stalking you from three states away, and you need to take out a restraining order to protect your entire family, including your dog.


May 23, 2009

248 Ribbed For Her Pleasure

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The rules of successful one night stands are: never sleep with your friends, never sleep with her twice, never take her home to your house so that she knows where you live, never spend the night, and never take off any jewelry that you want to see again. As Lesbians we are simply doomed to break every single one of these rules no matter how hard we try. The least you can do is to bring your own dental dams.


May 20, 2009

247 Glow in the Dark

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Why bother spending time and money trying to cure cancer or to stop the pandemic spread of AIDS? We've got lots more important things to do. There are dogs to clone and pets that we need to make glow in the dark. After all...we do have priorities.


May 17, 2009

246 Frau Lippenbrau

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Freedom of expression is something that as humans we should all be able to enjoy. Feel free to fly your freak flag wherever you go. When you finally go to get your eyebrows plucked, however, try to be polite and at least bring an extra vacuum cleaner bag for the cosmetician who has to clean up all your hair they pulled off.


May 14, 2009

245 Miss Kuntafornia

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After all these years we come to find out that there was one more missing tablet that Moses forget to take down the mountain when he brought down the ten commandments. That eleventh commandment has now been found. It says, "Thou shalt not pose half naked in sexy red panties for Hustler Magazine if you plan on keeping your Miss California crown."


May 11, 2009

244 The Package

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There's a reason why the U.S. postal rates are going up in price. It now takes four postal employees, three hours, three post office locations and one self-service postage machine to mail one single package. The cost of the employees to handle all that time, effort and customer service is not nearly enough to cover the amount spent in postage to mail one simple package.


May 5, 2009

243 Scooter Girl

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No matter where you shop, it's always appropriate to ask for the "Homo Discount" when you see a big ol' Muff Diver working behind the counter. If you don't succeed in getting a discount on your purchase, maybe you can at least get a date out of it.


May 1, 2009

242 Vampire Birds

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If you're going to be kept up all night by noises outside your house, it may as well be the neighbors going at it like rabbits. At least that way you know someone is having a good time....even if it's not you.


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